Restorations Therapy Blog

Will I Be Found Out?

by on Wednesday, August 5th, 2015

Will I Be Found Out?Everyone who walks through our doors lives with a great fear in their lives. This fear influences their relationships, motivations, and self-esteem. The core of the fear is rooted in shame: will I be found out? Even deeper is the fear of: if you find out, will I still be loved and found worthy? Addicts create many ways to protect themselves from the truth of their addiction ever being discovered.

The addicted mind creates a fantasy world to live within. This fantasy world allows the addict to stay in denial of the uncomfortable realities of the real world, from hurts, pains, and uncomfortable truths. The fantasy world is one in which the addicted mind tries to protect at all costs, often pushing those closest to them away in order to keep the fantasy alive. The thought of those closest finding out the truth is a prospect the addict will not allow to happen. The addict begins to protect their fantasy world by living in lies and half truths to keep others at bay. This decision is often subconscious, occurring in the addicted mind without the addict ever realizing it.

The most prominent safeguard of the addicted mind is keeping friends and family – those who care the most – at a distance. Often, this looks like the addict telling them just enough information to keep them satisfied, but not the whole truth. As the addiction begins to grow deeper, the addict will find himself or herself avoiding social functions or even certain people, fearful they may ask probing questions. It takes effort to tell lies to protect oneself, and this avoidance of others becomes commonplace in the addict’s life. The priority becomes protecting the addiction, and this protection comes at a deep cost of connection.

Here is an example of this string of lies that may help put the pieces together. You tell your boss you are leaving work early for an appointment, but in reality you are leaving early to go act out (potentially with an affair partner or prostitute). Once you arrive home, your spouse asks why you were late. You respond that your boss asked you to stay late at the office. By the next day, you have forgotten what you told your spouse and your boss; you must come up with more lies in order to avoid rising suspicion. Over time, these lies add up, while constantly running this charade is exhausting. You begin to avoid your boss and spouse in order to avoid a litany of questions they might ask because you can’t remember who you told what, or where the lies began in the first place.

As you can see from this example, the addict begins to feel they are living two lives: the life they are truly living and the life portrayed to others. Guilt and shame begin to manifest deep within their soul, longing to live as themselves. You can remember the dreams you had as a child of what your adult life might look like, and the reality is too hard to bear. No addict is proud of living this way. The feelings of disappointment, discontentment, shame, and guilt, are difficult to process. After a period, the addict feels lost to a different way of living than in the cycle of their addiction.

This is the life of addiction. Lies, manipulation, diminishing relationships, shame, and more. A different life is possible. An opportunity exists where the addiction doesn’t rule one’s life. That opportunity is recovery, facing the addiction to become the man or woman you’ve always dreamed of being. Many recovery addicts state that lives in recovery are better than they every dreamed, for their dreams were marred by their addiction. A beautiful life of love, connection, freedom and self worth is possible for everyone. The questions is simple: are you ready for recovery?

About Kyle Beard

Chris Simon founded Restorations Therapy Center to help those struggling with sexual addiction to discover health and wholeness for themselves as well as for their marriage and family. The havoc addiction brings is not compartmentalized to one area of life, but influences marriage, family, work, friendship and more. Chris experienced the turmoil of addiction in his own life. Through his own recovery journey, he strives to help others in the throes of addiction to experience the freedom and joy he lives today. Chris received in Masters of Arts in Clinical Mental Health, working solely with individuals struggling with sexual addiction his entire career. He trained under Dr. Tom Olschner, a psychologist working with sexual addictions for over thirty years, gaining a breadth of experience and knowledge from a renown therapist. A Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) is the only certification in existence for sexual addiction recovery, which Chris has pursued with fervor. You can contact Chris via email at Chris@RestorationsTherapy.com or telephone at (720) 446-6585

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