Let’s Talk about Sex
by Kevie Simon on Wednesday, August 10th, 2016
Sex is a tricky topic in our world today. Our culture shows many ideas of what sex “should” look like. It’s often quite glamorized as two attractive people who meet and instantly develop a glorious sexual encounter. For most people, that’s not how it happens in real life. I would assume that most of us have a limited foundation for how to begin to develop a healthy sex life. What does it mean to have healthy sex? What is the purpose? What do we strive towards? These are all questions that are not easily addressed or universally answered. However, I want to point out a few elements that, at Restorations, we believe are a part of healthy sexual relationships.
- Safety/Security – First and foremost, healthy sex comes out of a place of safety and security. This is where two individuals knowingly agree to be with each other. It is a place where you can trust the other person not to take advantage of you, harm you, or push you past your comforts. And you can trust yourself to ask for what you need and want during this time. Safety and security imply that both parties agree and can communicate about what is happening in the sexual encounter. It also means that each person has the ability to stop at any time.
- Intimacy/Connection – Humans desire to know others and to be known at the deepest level. A sexual relationship is one avenue to experience high levels of intimacy and connection with another person. It allows us to be known in a physically vulnerable manner. Healthy sex is more than a physical connection, but a deep emotional one as well. Sex provides an avenue for physically knowing a person in an incredibly intimate way. There’s nothing else in life like it.
- Vulnerability – There’s nothing more vulnerable than being naked with another person. Being naked is physically, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically vulnerable. You are laying your cards out on the table and asking the other person to take you as you are, flaws and all. That’s not something to be held lightly. Vulnerability requires honesty and insight on our part, and also requires us all to listen to our partner and learn what they need in the relationship. Vulnerability is scary, it’s true. Vulnerability can be taken advantage of by another person; that is what makes it scary. But with a safe person, vulnerability will be cherished and held in high honor.
- Congruency – Congruency is a weird word. In the context of this blog, we want to use the term congruency to communicate healthy sex means being in line and balanced with one’s values, goals, lifestyle, beliefs, needs, and wants. Sex is a physical act, but involves more than the physical body of a person. Healthy sex is consistent with your goals for your life. Congruency is not something to be decided in the moment of a sexual encounter. Congruency begins as a discussion with yourself about what you honestly want and need from your sex life and how this lines up with who you want to become. Then, you can take these decisions into your sexual relationship.
- Fun – At the end of the day, sex is fun! It feels good. There is nothing natural in this world that can cause more pleasure than an orgasm. Nothing. And that is pretty amazing! Sex can be incredibly enjoyable, adventurous, and even silly when we are in an honest, safe place. When we know who we are, we can have grace for ourselves and can not take ourselves too seriously. Then, we can be more present and have more fun in every sexual encounter.
This is just the beginning of the list for healthy sex. The thing I have come to learn is that healthy sex is a process. It’s not something that you suddenly arrive at one day, but you continually work through within yourself, and with your partner. Today, I want to get your brain moving on what it means to have safe, connected, vulnerable, congruent, and fun sex. I would ask you to reflect upon this list. What would you add to this list for you to have healthy sex? An even scarier question, how would you reflect upon your current sex life in these categories? I would encourage you to take a moment to be honest with yourself, and then begin brainstorming on ways to work towards your healthy sex life.
About Kevie Simon
Kevie Simon works as the operations director of RTC. From marketing to finances to office management, Kevie works on it all. With her background in management and marketing, she is a great fit for our team.
Additionally, Kevie has a Bachelors of Arts in Family and Human Services from John Brown University, and she is currently working on her Masters of Arts in Clinical Mental Health at Denver Seminary. She wants to specialize in working with partners of addicts and couples working through trauma. Kevie has learned from personal experience the effects of sex addiction on the couple and family.
Contact Kevie at via email at Kevie@RestorationsTherapy.com or telephone at (720)446-6585.