by Restorations Therapy Center on Thursday, June 13th, 2019
When people first start a relationship, it becomes fun at first when you are initially meeting each other not knowing what to expect. But then once you are aware of each other’s faults, there could be a lot of behaviors that involve closing others off or being quick to anger. By being aware of the behaviors that can prevent you from being in a meaningful relationship, you will learn what to do to ensure that the love you feel for each other is healthy and loving.
In a fantasy relationship where everyone gets along perfectly, you want to maintain that fantasy by being agreeable and to not engage in conflict if you can get out of it. The problem is that you are not being true to yourself or your partner if there is a serious problem that you trying to ignore. In reality, one harmful behavior that you can give to your partner is if they give you criticism and you get defensive or angry towards them. This can mean emotionally breaking down, giving the silent treatment, or screaming at them. You are sending the message that you do not care what they have to say which will prevent you from learning to be better for your partner.
Instead of being so quick to be defensive, listen carefully to what your partner is saying to you. If your partner says to you, “You keep falling asleep whenever we watch TV together and this is the only time we get to be together when you come home from work,” think that your partner is not trying to attack you, but point out to you a flaw that you have not recognized to better the relationship. There may be some truth to what your partner is saying if you take the time to breathe and listen. Even if you do not agree with what your partner is saying, you should still hear what they have to say. If you respond positively to your partner’s feedback, whether or agree or not, your partner will feel more comfortable talking to you.
Being quick to say no to what your partner wants will prevent you from being open to new experiences. For example, if your partner says that they want to go to this new Colombian restaurant and you are already quick to say you do not like Colombian food, you could just be saying this because you know Colombian food is new to you and you assume the food will not agree to your palette. Closing yourself off from new things will hurt the relationship in that your partner will not see you as adventurous. Your partner may have friends that they can try new things with, but they may feel guilty leaving you alone. Even though you should not be doing anything you do not want to do, you should try to be open to new experiences with your partner. Do not be so quick to say no, but really think about it and also tell yourself that it is more about the company you keep than the activity. Each take turns introducing each other to a new activity and keep an open mind as this will present your relationship new traditions and new memories.
Being in an ideal relationship means accepting your partner for not just their strengths, but their flaws as well. Unfortunately in a realistic relationship, couples try to change each other. You may not be able to ignore your partner’s flaws and have an idealized image of them. The truth is that loving someone means that you recognize your partner’s flaws, but you do not let that cloud your love of them. You ask yourself if the flaws that you see in your partner are ones that you can embrace and accept down the long road. The next time that you see your partner, see them for who they really are and not to paint a perfect image of them. Love them for who they are, flaws and all.
It may have been possible that you have taken advantage of your partner’s care for you in that you use manipulation tactics to get them to do what you want. This can mean crying, falling apart, or being intimidating. There could also be roles placed upon them such as the one who is domineering and the one who is controlling or the one who is responsible for the couple’s finances and the other who is responsible for controlling the sexuality between you. Either way, this shows that the two people in this relationship are not considered equals. Instead of expecting your partner to know what you want, just voice your wants and needs to them so that you are on the same page. Being direct and not placing roles on each other will show you two have an honest relationship.
It is not enough to tell your partner that you want to spend more time with them or that you love them unless you show it. Do not tell your partner you want to be close, but then you are constantly criticizing them. Actions should follow your words. Treat your partner with all of the love and respect that they deserve for all of the love they have given you for a true, lasting relationship.
Located in Centennial, Colorado, Restoration Therapy works with patients who are struggling with addiction, intimacy disorders, and trauma who are seeking treatment. In order to offer patients a more holistic view on a healthy sexuality, Restoration Therapy offers individualized and group therapy, workshops, psycho-educational classes, and more to restore the harm brought on by addiction and intimacy issues. For more information, please call us at (720) 446-6585 as we are open Monday through Friday from 8am to 8pm.